Many of the difficulties we experience in adulthood are shaped by beliefs we formed in childhood – beliefs about who we are, what we’re worth, and what we can expect from others.
These core beliefs often develop early, sometimes before we even have language. We don’t consciously choose them. They form as our mind and nervous system try to make sense of our environment.
As children, we often absorb what we’re shown. Just as a young child unquestioningly believes in Father Christmas, they also take in messages about themselves and the world as truth.
If a child repeatedly experiences emotional disconnection, criticism, neglect, fear, or inconsistency, they don’t usually think:
“My caregiver is struggling.”
Instead, they connect the missing dots and internalise meaning:
- I don’t matter
- I’m too much
- I’m unlovable
- It’s my fault
Why These Beliefs Form
Children have very little power. They can’t leave unsafe environments, and connection is essential for survival.
So the mind adapts.
Beliefs like “I don’t matter” can actually reduce pain. If you stop expecting care, rejection hurts less. If you take up less space, you’re less likely to be criticised or attacked.
These beliefs often worked.
They helped you survive.
But, as with all maladaptive patterns, what once protected you can later limit you.
How Core Beliefs Show Up in Adulthood
As adults, we’re rarely walking around consciously thinking, “I’m unlovable.”
Instead, these beliefs tend to show up indirectly:
- not going for opportunities
- minimising your needs
- assuming rejection before it happens
- staying small in relationships
In therapy, people don’t usually come in and say, “Hey Alec, I’m struggling with a core belief.” They describe the impact instead – feeling undervalued, invisible, stuck, or disconnected.
And often, when we look underneath, there’s an old belief still shaping the present-day experience.
How Do We Begin to Heal Core Beliefs?
Healing begins with:
Awareness
Noticing when a belief is active and understanding where it came from.
Compassion
Recognising that the belief once served an important purpose – to help keep you safe.
Creating Separation from the Past
This involves shifting from “This is who I am” to “This is what happened to me.” The more we can see our experiences for what they are – events that occurred in the past – the more space we create to recognise that they do not have to define who we are in the present.
Building New Beliefs
Importantly, every core belief has an opposite. If someone holds the belief that they don’t matter, the opposing belief is that they do.
Once the opposite belief is identified, we can begin to notice moments and relationships that gently challenge the old story and support the new one. By intentionally recording these experiences, we train the mind to recognise evidence that reinforces the healthier belief.
Working With Alec
Alec offers individual therapy, men’s groups, group therapy, and online programmes designed to support growth and healing. He specialises in helping individuals and groups recover from relational and childhood trauma.
